He Will Not Leave You Comfortless

I was thinking about how weird it was that my sisters seem to be more upset about this whole situation than I am, when I realized that that is a direct blessing from God.  He is lifting me up so I don't fall into despair.  I feel calm about it.  I'm still worried about the risks and about my children, but I can already see the blessings pouring in.

The most obvious blessing so far has been the doctor.  After receiving the help to access the doctor that had been recommended to us, my mother in law texted me that she had "coincidentally" just written Dr. Reichman's name down after one of her friends had been saying what a good brain surgeon he is a couple of weeks before.  That was such a confirmation that we chose the right doctor.  Thank you for being inspired, Wendy!

I then discovered today that my father is having spinal surgery on monday.
Guess who is operating on him? You guessed it… Dr. Reichman.  I had no clue!

After being told that having a biopsy would be really risky in the area of the brain where my tumor is, Dr. Reichman called me this morning and said that he had spent 30 minutes studying my brain. He now has a new plan of how to access the tumor so that there will be less risk of accidentally poking the wrong area and causing motor skills issues.  He decided that he is going to cut away a part of my skull the size of the top of a coke can and go in from the top of my brain right in between the two hemispheres to get a piece of the tumor.  He said this is a much safer side to access with less risk and he will be more likely to actually get the needed sample.  Before, he said he was only willing to do one pass and if he didn't get the biopsy he would just stop because it was too risky to keep poking at it.  That would have been really nice to shave my head for the biopsy and come out with no answers.  It is so obvious that he was inspired by the Holy Ghost.  I'm really lucky to have God as my brain surgeon.  I hear he's the best.

Take a look of the picture I posted above… the round, light colored blob by the pen tip and mouse cursor is my tumor. The plan is… Dr Reichman will insert a needle into the top of my skull down to the tumor and extract a sample, then immediately have a pathologist standing by tell him whether or not the piece of my brain he extracted is indeed the tumor. If successful… great, if not, he'll close me up and proceed with radiation. I feel strongly that his hands will be guided and that it will be a successful operation.

Your prayers are making a real difference in my life. I will be forever indebted to you all.  Thank you so much for contributing to saving my life.  And thank you to all of you who have shared my blog.  I am getting friend requests and supportive messages from strangers that are also praying for my family.  There are so many people in this world that care about others and wish them well. That is nice to see.

Dr. Reichman gave us some other interesting bits of information.  Chemo for brain cancer doesn't make you feel sick, apparently.  That is one worry to cross off the list.  I am having the biopsy this Friday the 2nd.  My awesome friend Ashley Fiorilli suggested that we have a fast once a week for me.  That would be unhealthy and way too much, but anyone that was willing to fast on Friday would bless my life and I would appreciate it a lot.  Ashley is partially responsible for helping me meet my husband, so a shout out to Ashley and Meg for that!

To anyone not familiar with LDS beliefs, we typically fast the first Sunday of every month. We abstain from food and drink for 24 hours or two meals.  We start and end with a prayer.  We usually have a specific objective in mind like a person we are praying for or a blessing we are in need of.  We donate the money we would have spent on the two meals to the Church.  Some people donate much more than that amount.  The bishop collects all of the fast offerings and distributes them to members that are unable to afford food or other necessities.  It is an amazing program.  I believe that if the whole world participated, we could eradicate hunger and poverty in the world.  It is the Lord's way of caring for the poor.  We also believe that our spirit gains more power over our physical appetites and passions every time we fast.  It shows a great deal of commitment and devotion to the Lord.  We believe that spiritual power flows from this commitment and that we and our loved ones will be blessed and strengthened from it.  I'm not usually one to ask for such a sacrifice from friends and neighbors, but in this situation I am willing to accept help.  Thank you to those that have already fasted, especially the children!  My children have fasted for people in these types of situations and it is very touching to see a young child do such a selfless act with such faith.

One negative aspect of the conversation with the doctor was that he said my current condition could be permanent.  The tumor may have caused permanent damage to that part of the brain.  I actually don't believe that will be the case.  Even if it was, that's not that bad.  I've read on the internet that sometimes other parts of the brain learn how to compensate for a damaged part.  That's my feeling about what will happen.

A couple of weeks ago, in our Sunday youth meeting (I am a youth leader in my church for the sixteen and seventeen year old girls), Sister Kristie Secrist read a story called, "The Pig of Happiness."  If you don't have it, get it!  It is the cutest little story book ever!  Well, based on that story, I've decided to be "The Bald Head of Happiness."  I'm not promising that I won't get frustrated or discouraged or cry, but I do promise that I will be as positive as I feel capable of in any given moment.

Thank you everyone for wanting to help me!  Thank you Heavenly Father for taking care of me!  Thank you Jesus Christ for understanding my feelings and sending me comfort!  Thank you Holy Ghost for prompting my awesome doctor!  Thank you awesome doctor for being awesome!

Oh ya, so I am going in for the biopsy on Friday at Utah Valley Hospital and will be there until probably Monday or Tuesday.  My children's doting grandmother will be caring for them while I am away.  This is not sad, seriously, I'm not kidding when I say that once, my son said these words, "Last night I had a dream that Mom and Dad died and we GOT TO LIVE WITH GRANDMA FOREVER!!!"  With full enthusiasm in his voice!  He really does love me, I swear.  He was very young when he said that and can you blame him?  Grandma was the only one who understood his desperate need for chocolate milk and provided it at every request.  My children are going to be so well taken care of.  Having family close by is an incredible blessing right now!  I'm so sorry that my sickness is taking my mother away from being there for my Aunt Cheri and Uncle Steve who just lost their youngest son after his open heart surgery.  His funeral is Friday and my mom is just as unwilling to leave my side now as she was when I was a nursing infant.

After the biopsy surgery we have to wait ten days to find out the type of tumor.  Then the treatments will begin-radiation or chemo.

Love to everyone!  You will certainly all be blessed for your loving concern and desire to serve me!


John 14:17-19 "Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seethe him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth in you, and shall be in you.  I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.  Yet a little while, and the world seethe me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also."

The Good News and the Bad News and my HAIR!!!

I feel like the whole world has banded together to try to make my life easier.

People are so unbelievable!  My sister Melanie talked to her eye doctor who is married to the PA for the doctor we didn't have an appointment with, but wished we did.  She, Jami McKell, totally arranged everything for us so that we could have the doctor we really wanted.  Dr. Howard Reichman has been the surgeon for my father,  grandmother, and sister.  We just keep getting recommendation after recommendation for him.  We got to speak with him this morning.  He suggested that, based on the color of the tumor, it didn't appear to be malignant.  So that's the good news!  We're really happy with the doctor so far.  He seems to genuinely care and he checks to make sure you understand what he's telling you.  That's such a good trait in a doctor!

The bad news is that the tumor is in a very hard to reach spot that is very risky to access. Like, we're talking paraylization risky. But here's some more good news: When God is helping you, nothing is impossible.  He can make it work if He wants to. Which hopefully He does, because it would be awfully hard to be an aerialist if I was paralyzed.

But here's some more bad news: I just got off the phone with Dr. Reichman for the second time today and he says that I need to have a biopsy, probably this Friday and they have to use a navigational system to find the tumor where they put tracking markers all over my head.

This requires me to SHAVE MY HEAD!

Now, I wish I could tell you that I have the right perspective about this and that losing my hair is a small sacrifice to make for my health, but that's not how I really feel.  I'm totally devastated!  I am so upset about this.  I don't even know how I will go through with it!  Hair is kind of a big thing for me. I went to hair school, and love fashion and hair & makeup. I even won a YouTube competition last year for the video below Joe shot that won us both a trip to Cancun!

Joe, of course, could not have been more supportive.  He is making it so clear that this is the least of his worries and when I started crying about it, he jumped right on the computer and said, "Look, honey, this is going to be so fun!  We're going to go shopping for wigs right now!"  I don't know that there is a limit to what he would have been willing to spend on a wig if it would make me feel better.  That was so sweet of him.

 I'm not gonna lie, I did get a little excited thinking about trying out something really fun like going for a "Storm" look from X-MEN. I'm not totally opposed to trying something different, but I don't have a lot of faith in the local wig selection.  And considering that I can hardly stand to wear my wedding ring, I'm guessing that it will be really uncomfortable.

 Of course, I'm willing to go through with this and recognize that it's necessary.  The thing with trials is that, by definition, they have to be hard.  If it doesn't totally drive you mad it can't really be considered a trial.  The things that are so trying and so far out of our comfort zone are what help us rely on the Lord. So, hopefully I can hurry up and rely on Him and get this whole thing over with.  This is about to get really REAL really fast!  Everyone keeps asking  what they can do to help… I could use some wig advice right about now… anyone? I'm gonna go totally Betsie Ten Boom and say, I'm grateful I get to shave my head and try a new hairstyle!

Luke 21:17-18  "And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake.  But there shall not an hair of your head perish."

The Book of Mormon, Alma 40:23  "The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame."

The Diagnosis

Life was going so well it was scary.  Scary, because I know there's more to life than picnicking.  My Heavenly Father wants my earthly experience to stretch me and strengthen me, so I knew the calm couldn't last forever.  It's like in the movies when everything's going well and there's a really happy couple getting along and being loving to each other and you think to yourself, "Okay, which one of you is about to die?"

The night I set up my Christmas decorations, I sat in my beautiful, newly remodeled home looking at my 13 foot fresh Christmas tree and the stocking hanger photos of my stunningly beautiful, healthy children.  The children that have over an acre of land to run around, explore, and climb huge trees, the children that have each other and have such strong bonds with each other.  I sat there in disbelief that life could be so happy.  Don't get me wrong, my life wasn't perfect.  But I was feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude and pleading with God not to take it all away.  So many people in my family are struggling, it just didn't seem fair.

So it didn't surprise me as much as you might think when I realized that I had become "that person."

"That person" that has a blog to give medical updates on their life-threatening condition.  You know, that person that is never YOU, always someone else.  I've played life the same way I play dodge ball.  Laying low, hoping that no one would notice I wasn't getting hit.  Just trying not to call attention to that fact.  Well, now that person is me.  It is so hard to wrap my head around that.

I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR.  Craziest words that have ever left my mouth.

It all started Tuesday, December 23rd.  I was driving to the workout studio I go to in Sandy, I was driving my husband's new car because mine was having a small repair, and I remember thinking, this car is hard to steer!  I was having trouble staying in my lane and something just didn't feel right.  The next thing I noticed that day was that I couldn't speak clearly and easily.  People can still understand me, but my speech is slurred.  It feels like it takes a lot of effort to form consonants.  It's harder for me to sound expressive when I speak because I'm focusing so much on trying to form the words.  I feel like I sound like the teacher in Ferris Beuller's Day Off. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not.  But my husband made it clear that he noticed it.  Every time I speak, my husband, Joe gets a really concerned look on his face.  I stutter a lot too.  It's because a word comes out and I can tell I didn't get it right, so I keep trying it until it sounds r-r-r-right. By the time Joe confirmed that there was a real problem, I felt like I had missed the three hour window of rushing into the hospital after a stroke.  I didn't have a lot of other stroke symptoms, so I wasn't too concerned.

Christmas was great, my kids were thrilled by their gifts.  In the evening we went to Joe's sister's house to celebrate with the extended family.  Everyone seemed really concerned and said that they thought one side of my face seemed a little less active than the other.  We decided we did need to get checked out.  We drove to what we thought was the Instacare but it was closed.  Why do emergencies always occur at nights, on weekends or holidays?  The next morning we drove to a different Instacare and sat down with a nurse who listened to my symptoms and immediately sent us to the American Fork Hospital Emergency Room.

They checked me in and set me up in a bed with a hospital gown.  I felt like that was unnecessary.  Then my husband, always ready to dramatize the situation, posted a picture of me on Facebook in the hospital bed.  "Nice!", I thought.  "Now everyone is going to think something horrible is happening."  The ER nurses and docs were good.  They got me an MRI right away.  They wheeled me in a wheelchair to get the scan.  Overkill! I understand that they always err on the side of caution and I appreciate that.

So, MRI's are lots of fun.  What's the first thing you want to do when someone tells you to hold completely still?  Move!  I am such a fidgeter, these scans are going to be hard for me.  I just closed my eyes and tried to envision my children's sweet faces. We had to wait about an hour to get the results.  Joe was saying that he didn't want to walk out of there not knowing what was causing the symptoms.  But I said, "It's probably not going to show anything, but that's good, that's what we want." Then the doctor came in and changed my world.

He told us that they found a tumor… and that it was probably cancer. I can't imagine having to deliver that kind of news.  He did a great job.  He just said it kind of matter-of-factly.  If he had been really solemn and serious about it it would have felt like more of a death sentence.  I appreciated that he didn't deliver it like that.  Once that had come out, all I could think about was wanting to look over at Joe and see his facial expression.

My first reaction was to laugh.  It just seemed so beyond belief.  All I could think about was that it would turn out to not be a big deal somehow because I couldn't imagine that really happening to me!  I just wanted to call my mom.  They gave us an appointment with a doctor for the following Monday at 9 am.  A two day wait!  They couldn't give us very much information in the ER so we were anxious to get answers as soon as possible. We left and walked out to our car.  We just looked at each other in disbelief. "This can't be happening." I dialed my mom's number.  Of course, as soon as I had to talk to her the emotion came out.  I said in my crying, shaky- Mom-something's- wrong -voice, "Mom?  They said I have a tumor." My mom sounded emotional and upset.  I could hear that Joe was starting to lose it listening to us cry. I asked my mom to spread the word.

"What do we tell the kids?"

Enter my new biggest problem in life.  Trying to help my children feel safe, secure, and happy.  Right now, I think they must be feeling like they're hanging off the edge of a cliff, totally unsure if things will turn out okay or not. I remember being a kid and imagining that the worst possible situation would be losing my mom.  Everyone needs a mom, sorry if you don't have one, but mom's are just so needed.  They are the ones who support you and love you more than anyone.  My Mom would help me out of any situation no matter how much it would inconvenience her. I'm not closer to anyone than I am to my mom.  I have that same kind of close relationship with my kids, so I can understand how they must be feeling. I decided that I wanted to be upfront with them and always be honest so they don't have to doubt what we tell them and they will be truly comforted when we assure them.  We told them about the tumor and that it might be cancer.  They didn't give a big reaction, at 12, 10, and 6, they are a little young to understand these things and haven't been exposed to many stories about people with this condition.

This was now Boxing Day as they say in England, where Joe is from. We had a boxing day party that day, again with his side of the family. When we arrived, everyone was eagerly awaiting news of my MRI. The kids saw us sharing the news with our distraught family. I think they started to get a sense of the seriousness of the situation.  At this point, they are very shaken, especially our oldest Mia.

Mia and I are like two peas in a pod. We are absolutely crazy about each other.  Best friends, kindred spirits, soul mates.  She is an unusually fantastic child.  She is loving, affectionate, obedient, helpful, supportive.  She always asks me about how my life is going and how my goals and dreams are coming along.  She is a fantastic listener.  She's the truest friend anyone could ever have.  She's a dream child, but then so are my younger two.  It's incredible to have such loving, spiritual children.  I'm so proud of all of them and could not live without any one of them.  It's like when God puts families together, he knows exactly who would go well together.  That explains the indescribable amount of love and appreciation I feel for my children's specific personalities.  The worst part of this challenge is that they are so sad and worried.  That causes me the most suffering.

A lot of people are asking me how I'm feeling right now.  I feel uncoordinated.  Speaking is still a challenge.  My mom said I sound like I had a novacane injection.  I think I sound like what I'm guessing a drunk person sounds like.  I've never been drunk and not sure I've been around someone that was.  Everything in general feels more challenging.  Typing this right now, my fingers feel a little sticky and slow like they're not going where I want them to as fast as they usually do. I feel better walking down the stairs if Joe is holding my hand.  And we've decided I shouldn't drive. That will probably be the biggest life change for a while until treatment gets started. And I feel bad for my family.  They are so concerned and worried.

My poor husband.  There's no doubt in my mind that he's deeply in love with me.  He is beside himself!  He is being so tender and loving and helpful.  I love you, Joe.

I actually feel like I am in the best position of every one in my family.  They are facing the possibility of losing a loved one.  I am facing the possibility of dying.  That doesn't scare me that much.  For me, I mean.  Leaving my children behind is the worst thought I could imagine.  But being dead isn't scary.  Let's see… leaving behind trouble, sorrow, and suffering to live in paradise with my grandparents and Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, maybe even meeting my Heavenly Mother!… not scary.  Leaving behind three delicious children to deal with the trouble, sorrow, and suffering by themselves… now that's scary!

I cannot describe to you the depth of love I feel for my children.  I want nothing more than to spend all of my time loving them, teaching them, guiding them and comforting them through life, sprinkled with a few lunch dates, shopping trips, and late-night cuddles.  I believe that is the most noble way a person can spend their time.  No one shapes the future of the world like mothers and fathers!  I'm so grateful for my mother and father who taught me the gospel of Jesus Christ and helped me through my life and continue to do so.

I will never forget the time that I insisted on having a black pleather skirt from Walmart when I was in the third or fourth grade.  I have always been a little edgy when it comes to fashion.  My mom warned me that clothes from Walmart were not good quality but I insisted.  She bought it for me and I wore it to school.  I was playing wall ball at recess when it ripped right up the back.  I tied a sweatshirt around my waist and went to the office to call my mom to bring me a change of clothes.  She answered the phone and immediately brought the clothes to rescue me from my embarrassing situation.  I remember recognizing that day how blessed I was that my mother was home and accessible to help me in my time of need.  Every time anyone ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I have always said I wanted to be a mom.

My mom was the most important person in my life, why wouldn't I want to become the most important person in the world, a Mom?  Thank you, Mom, for your goodness and your example and your sacrifices for me.  The thought of relinquishing this high calling to someone else is more than I can bear. But I trust that God has a plan for me and my children and knows how to make it all work out for the best for everyone.

You may ask, how could God let things like this happen to people?  How could your math teacher allow you to have a failing grade?  That's not very nice!  Everyone knows that students would never learn anything if their teachers gave them passing grades without requiring any work or study.  It's the same with our Heavenly Father.  He is not a weak parent that gives into our every desire.  He allows us to work and learn and grow like every good parent should.  He is a perfect parent.  I am so grateful He is that way.  He doesn't do what's easy, He does what's right 100% of the time. I feel so blessed to have a Father that loves me enough to do what's best for me.  I know He will help me through this, through all the twists and turns.

He responds to prayers, so anyone and everyone that's willing, I am asking for your help.  Please pray for my children to be comforted and for the right blessings to be poured out upon my family!  I am so overwhelmed by the response I've already had.  Saying I feel "loved" doesn't capture it.  "Treasured" is a better word.  Thank you to everyone who is extending their love and service and offering prayers in our behalf.  I love you all!