Aerial: The Dream

I've been meaning to write about this for a long time but just haven't gotten around to it.  It's pretty much been a major focus of my life for the past six months minus that little detour I took in January.  Honestly one of the biggest disappointments was realizing that when I had brain surgery I wouldn't be able to keep training and I would lose all of my hard earned progress.  Because, for some reason, I never thought for one second that it was all over for me.  Somehow I always knew I would come out on top and I could still picture myself becoming an aerialist one day.  I don't know why I believed that.  I don't know if I was in denial or if it was the Spirit reassuring me that everything would be okay.  I think it might be because I had been praying to be able to be an inspiration and I thought maybe the diagnosis was an answer to that prayer.  Maybe not such a smart thing to pray for, looking back.

I have always wanted to be a dancer.  When I watch people dance, I can't just enjoy watching and be entertained.  It causes me pain that I'm not the one dancing.  I can't explain it but I've got it really bad. When I hear a really good song, I just want to be one with the music.  Don't ask me why I haven't taken dance lessons all my life.  I think it took me awhile to realize that it was my passion.  I remember thinking, as a teenager, it's too late.  I can't start now, when everyone else has already been taking lessons since they were little.  And now, here I am, thirty-five years old, in circus class.  If I had had the confidence to just start where I was, I could have been so far ahead of where I am right now. Instead, I just wasted time, being afraid to try.

When I went to BYU and was picking out my college classes, I saw a beginning precision dance class.  I thought, "This is my chance!" I started taking that "beginning" class and felt like such an idiot.  I guess by "beginning", they meant you've only been taking dance since you were 8 instead of since you were 3 because it was way over my head.  I talked to my teacher after class one day and told her I had no formal training and asked if I would be able to succeed in this class.  She said, "No."  So I quit!  Once again, it was too late for me.

Until a date took me to the BYU Ballroom Dance Concert and I fell completely in love.  Like, literally, me and ballroom dance were running through a field of wild flowers in slow motion towards each other.  After that, I spent an entire summer taking ballroom lessons trying to prepare to try out for the ballroom dance team.  Unfortunately, the lessons I was taking were the wrong style and I just wasn't quite trained enough to make the team.  Although, I did get some encouraging comments from my ballroom instructors at BYU that I had "a lot of potential."

Enter Joe into the scene.  I completely dropped out of all my classes so I could be a full time girlfriend.  Stupid, I know.  I'm sure my mom is still mad about this.  Sorry Mom!

Over the years, I have made several attempts to learn different styles of dance but they always end in me feeling like I started too late and will never be good enough.  And lately, the other problem has been whatever stupid condition I have that prevents me from losing weight.  I always think, "No one wants to see someone dance that isn't thin!"  It seems like a prerequisite for being a dancer.  I just knew that my weight would forever hold me back and I would never be able to live my dream.  Until I watched the following video that my mom posted on YouTube:

The girl in this video just blew me away!  She has no legs and still she decided that she could become a gymnast!  How in the world?!  I realized in that moment that, if she could become an award winning athlete with NO LEGS, then I could certainly learn to dance whether I'm skinny or not!  I have NO excuses!

So, once I got past the point of not believing in myself, my next obstacle was finding a dance class for adults.  There really are almost no opportunities for adults to learn to dance.  If you already are a dancer, there are adult dance teams and adults can become dance teachers, but if  you aren't already trained, that's just too bad for you!  There are plenty of classes for couples, but, trust me, I've been down that road.  It just doesn't work very well when your spouse isn't interested.  He would go along with it for my sake but I'm not interested in occasionally, casually learning a form of dance.  I want to completely commit myself to learning a dance style-every.single. day.

I started searching the internet for all the dance classes I could find that were offered to adults.  I found a few aerial studios that taught aerial silks.  I got so excited thinking about it!  But, of course, they were all in Salt Lake.  Then I found a studio that had just opened up in Pleasant Grove about ten minutes from my house!  And it was totally affordable, too!  Which is another problem with dance classes.  This was such great timing because this was the first year for me to have all of my children at school full day.  It was so devastating for me to not have them at home, I needed something fun and exciting to do instead of being alone all day.  It was intimidating to start because I knew it would be physically really challenging.  And walking into a dance class at my age and with my body type, I just didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know if I would feel totally out of place or what.

This is probably the number one thing I love about my studio (J&M Expressions).  It's so accepting and open to everyone.  There's no one telling you or making you feel like you have to be a certain age or certain body type to be successful.  My instructor, Jennifer Wilkins, acts completely convinced that every person in the room will one day get to the level she's at.  Maybe she's bluffing, but she's pretty convincing!  It's such a comfortable place to try something new and scary and HARD!!!

Holy cow, I can't believe how hard it is!  I think that having TV and YouTube has exposed us to so many crazy freaks in our lifetime that we underestimate the amount of strength and training that it takes to actually do crazy superhuman things.  I never would have guessed how challenging it is to learn aerial silks!  It takes an incredible amount of muscle to be able to lift your body weight and hold it for several minutes while you pose and extend mid-air.  And then there's the flexibility!  The most beautiful aerialists to watch are the ones who can contort and bend into amazing poses while they're in the air. But don't worry, it only takes YEARS to gain that kind of flexibility!  The biggest surprise of all was finding out how painful it is to lay forward or backward on an aerial silk.  When all your weight is resting on it and it's fully stretched, it feels like having a metal rod in your back or stomach.  Super painful.  Not to mention the discomfort of all the blood rushing to your head while hanging upside down.  Motion sickness while spinning, silk burns, wrapping your body in fabric that digs into you and cuts off the circulation in your feet and hands...ya...it's hard. The people that can do it well are NOT HUMAN.  So that's my goal, to someday not be human :)

You may wonder why I would be interested in this sport when I make it sound so miserable.  It is the most exciting thing I've ever done!  The first time I wrapped my foot in a foot lock and stood up off of the ground was the hugest thrill!  I love that, not only does this studio offer aerial silk classes, but they offer strength and flexibility classes that help you to actually make progress instead of feeling like, "Well, I guess this is too hard for me, I'll just give up now!"  I'm really loving it.  I do still get discouraged from time to time, but the thing that makes this so right for me is that, after years of unsuccessfully trying to lose weight, I finally have a way to see progress and results.  I can't lose weight in pounds but I can get stronger and start to do tricks that used to be too hard for me.  The first time I climbed the silk was so exciting!  And after six months of attempting pull ups and not being able to even lift my feet off the ground, today I felt my feet come off the ground for the first time!  I couldn't believe it, I couldn't even do the monkey bars when I was in elementary school!  It seems insane to think that in another six months I could be lifting myself completely into the air in a full pull up!  I will throw a party when that day finally comes!  All you skinny people have no idea how hard that is for the rest of us.

So, about praying to be an inspiration, that came from watching videos like the one about Jennifer Bricker and also this video about Arthur that most of you have probably watched:

I wasted so much time believing that I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do, that I thought I could document my journey to becoming an aerialist (my husband is conveniently a film maker) and maybe that could inspire other people the way these people have inspired me.  So my first thought when I was told I had a brain tumor was, "This is going to make the video so much better!"  And when I was told I had to shave my head, I thought, "That is going to be some great footage!"  It was disappointing that the doctor didn't want me to shave it myself because I couldn't video it, but now I'm so glad that I got to keep most of my hair.  Before the tumor,  I had Joe come to the studio to film some "before" footage to document where I started.  He edited it into a cute little video:

I know it's not super impressive yet, but that was kind of the point.  I want to be able to see how far I've come next time he comes to video me.  This video was shot after three months of training.  I was DEVASTATED when I had to stop training for surgery.  Just getting to where I was took an incredible amount of effort and I was going to lose all my progress!  But now I've been back for about two and a half months and I'm getting my muscle back and I'm almost back to where I was in my conditioning.

The lesson I've learned is that if you want something, don't let anyone convince you that you can't do it, especially you!  The only thing that has kept me from my goals all these years is not believing that I could do it and being afraid to look stupid.  And if I don't accomplish my goals until I'm 80?  Well that will just make for a better video!  How impressive is that?!  "The 80 year old aerialist"  how awesome would that be?

On another note, last Sunday I was released from being a Young Women's leader after FOUR YEARS.  No big deal, I just lost all of my best friends and my only opportunities to hang with girls and crack up! Ya, I'm a little sad about it.  But, no worries, because every Mormon's worst nightmare has just come true for me.  As if having brain surgery, cancer, and multiple sclerosis wasn't enough excitement for one year, I was asked to be the GOSPEL DOCTRINE TEACHER.  And standing up in front of almost the whole ward every other week teaching a room full of people who are all ten times more experienced than me and ten times more educated than me, is my idea of a good time!  What could be more fun than that?  Forget girls camp!

I truly once said, "If I ever get that calling, I'm leaving the church."  I'm glad that I get this opportunity to prove to Heavenly Father that I was just being sarcastic and that I would do anything He asked me to do because He has blessed me with miracle after miracle in my life and I could never repay him.  The best thing I can do to show my gratitude is to be willing to accept any calling or assignment to serve Him.  Who knows, maybe there will be another miracle and I'll actually become a good teacher!

Beautiful, Glorious, Second Opinions

Finally, the day of the appointment with the MS specialist arrived.  Joe and I have gone to all of our appointments together and I've really appreciated the company since it's hard to think of all the questions to ask and remember all of the answers, plus, those of you who know me, know that someone forgot to give me a sense of direction at birth and when I try to find my way to new places, I sometimes end up in the wrong state.  Joe wasn't going to be able to go to this appointment because he had a shoot (like as in film, not drugs or guns :)  My mom offered to go with me to my appointment.  But on the way to the appointment, Joe called and told me to pick him up at work.  He had finished early and wanted to come with me.  So now I had a whole team with me!  We should have gotten matching shirts.

While we were waiting to be brought back to the exam room, a patient came out in a wheel chair.  That's not what you want to see when you're looking ahead at having MS.  You want to see a whole bunch of people with your disease that are doing great!  It's hard to imagine a wheel chair being a part of my future.  I felt out of place knowing that I had just come from three hours of fitness classes at my aerial studio.  First, we met with the physician's assistant.  She was very nice.  She got all of our information and did a whole bunch of strength and neurological tests on me.  I had to stand with my feet together and close my eyes.  I'm guessing they were testing my balance.  Then I had to resist when they would pull on my arms or legs.  They were trying to determine if my strength was even on both sides.

We waited a long time for Dr. Foley to come in.  It's never fun to wait for doctors but it's nice to know that when you get your turn, the doctor is going to take his time with you and answer all of your questions.  One of the first things Dr. Foley said was that this is a very unusual case.  He said it several times throughout our appointment, shaking his head, "Such an unusual case!"  I had made a list of questions to ask Dr. Foley about MS and MS treatments.  Well, I never got to ask those questions because, guess what?!  He says that we can't determine if it really is MS at this point!  He says that it could be Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis.  Say that five times fast!  The definition of ADEM from google is: Acute disseminated encephalomyelitis is a rare autoimmune disease marked by widespread attack of inflammation in the brain and spinal cord. ADEM typically damages myelin, causing destruction of white matter. It is often triggered following a viral infection or vaccination.  I mentioned that I had been looking into this possibility in one of my previous posts.  This is initially what made the most sense to me.  It's a one time infection that often occurs after a vaccination.  I told the doctor that I received a flu vaccine 18 days before symptoms occurred.  He said that is exactly right on time for ADEM occurring. We still can't know what it is for sure because clinically ADEM and MS are indistinguishable at first.  It will take more time to see if I develop more lesions or have more symptoms to know for sure.  I have an MRI scheduled in two months that is a 3T magnet MRI scan.  It is a lot more powerful than the MRIs I've already had.  It should give a clear picture of any lesions that may exist in my brain.  Hopefully, it won't detect a whole bunch more lesions.  That would burst my bubble.  

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because it could still be MS, but this just feels like a replay of the whole Huntsman experience.  When they said maybe it's not cancer, and it wasn't!  That was the best!  It would be asking a lot to expect things to get easier again.  It's funny because at the beginning of all of this, Joe and I said we wanted to stop going to appointments because the news always got worse.  You have a tumor...it's cancerous grade 2...it's cancer grade 3.  But now it just keeps getting better and better.  It's not cancer... it's MS....maybe it's just a one time thing and will go away and never bother you again!

I mentioned before that I thought I was quite the escape artist, but now I'm starting to think that I just have straight up magical powers!  Sometimes I hear owls in my yard.  Maybe they're trying to deliver my acceptance letter to Hogwarts.

So, to be clear, Dr. Foley said it was too early to tell, but he is leaning toward thinking this is ADEM caused by flu vaccination.  He said not to get any more flu shots.  Apparently, it's not necessarily that the flu shot is dangerous for everyone, but for people who are predisposed to auto immune conditions.  But you never know if that's you or not.  I'm definitely done with flu shots.  I need to contact the company that made my flu shot and let them know what happened.  There is a fund that the vaccine company has to pay all of the people that experience side effects from their vaccines.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I don't love the idea of suing people.  I don't really know if it's their fault or not.  Sometimes companies like that are careless and they take unnecessary risks with people's lives in order to make money.  But I don't like to pass blame and I also view this experience overall as a positive one.  It has been challenging and quite a struggle but a lot of good has come of it also.  If I was paralyzed from surgery, I would be suing everyone I could, but so far, the outcome has been good and I don't want to be a gold digger.  It wouldn't hurt for them to cover my medical expenses and maybe a little extra for hair damages and cosmetic pain and suffering  ;) What do you think?

After I have my super charged MRI I will have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Foley to reassess the results.  That appointment is on May 27th.  We still may not know for sure at that time.  I want to thank everyone for their continued prayers in our behalf and clarify that I don't really attribute these miraculous circumstances to my magical powers.  I am so grateful to God for watching over me and my family and for occasionally answering our prayers just the way we want them.

Mia was just asking why all prayers aren't answered the way ours have been lately.  We talked about how this life wouldn't be a test and wouldn't stretch and grow our character if every time we had a problem, it was instantly solved as if we had a genie in a lamp.  I pointed out that she and her brother and sister have been fasting and praying for me to get pregnant for about four years to no avail.  Some things are God's will and some things aren't.  But it's all for the best and for our good. 

Speaking of infertility, my sister Maren and her husband Nate have decided to try to adopt a baby and would like to get the word out in case anyone knows of any birth mothers in that situation.  Keep them in mind.  Thanks!