Control Freak

Holy cow, I am so sorry, everyone!  I was posting and posting all of my drama and then I just dropped off the face of the blog earth!  Well, the reason why is because there is absolutely nothing going on right now.  No doctor's appointments, no results, no news, but I knew that I needed to post because I know some of you are feeling like there's stuff going on and I'm just not letting you know.  Trust me, if I have news I will share it with you.  There's just not much to share right now.  We still have not heard anything from Stanford and still have no idea when we should be expecting to hear.  We're not terribly concerned about that anyway.  I guess it could be huge, but I'm expecting it to be the same news we heard from Huntsman.  The next big thing is getting to see Dr. Foley in Salt Lake.  Several doctors have told me that he is one of the "premier MS doctors in Utah."  He is a neurologist that specializes in just MS.  So he is really knowledgeable and experienced.  I am basically planning to put all my trust in what he says.  My appointment is on the 18th of this month.  I'm still not totally 100% sure that I have MS.  But I figure that this guy sees it so much that he will be able to recognize it for what it is.  I figure that either he'll say, "No way you have MS, this looks nothing like MS."  or he'll say, "Yes, I've seen cases like this before with very few symptoms that develop more later on."  So I feel like he will be able to give me an idea of the path I should be on.  Right now I'm on the "I have MS path" but sometimes as I'm researching, reading, making my supplement plan, etc, I wonder "Wait a minute, do I even have this?"  If this doctor thinks I do, I will believe it for sure, at least I think I will.

 I guess I've developed a little bit of an "invincible complex."  I'm totally convinced that I will overcome everything and always be the one to beat the odds.  Even before I Houdini'd my way out of a death sentence, I already knew I was not going to be "the average person that lives x number of years" I knew that I would be the exception to the rule.  It's not because I thought I was better or more deserving than anyone else, I just knew that the average person isn't willing to work as hard as I am and the average person doesn't have the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide them, and the average person doesn't have as much vision of what they want their future to look like.  I have a clear picture in my head of what I am going to accomplish in my life and, other than God, no one and no challenge is going to stop me from achieving my goals.  If God says it's the end, it's the end.  But, if He doesn't, then I know how to make a plan and follow it and fight for change!  I've never been one to just sit around and be unhappy with my situation.  Someday, after I die, people will probably go through all of my stuff and find all of my journals and notebooks.  When they do, more than anything else, they will find plans.  Plans I made of how to change my circumstances.  When I write in my journal it is usually because I'm making a plan.  My plans range from how I'm going to keep my house clean to how I'm going to become flexible enough to do the splits to how I'm going to stop losing my temper with my kids.  One of the best skills I've ever learned is how to ask myself questions.  When I have a problem, let's say it's being too stressed out, I ask myself the question, "How can I feel less stressed out?" "What can I do to feel less stressed out?"  And then I write down every idea I can think of.  It's amazing how this works!  Once you ask yourself a question, your subconscious mind tries to find an answer even when you aren't thinking about it.  Just like when you can't think of someone's name and then, later on, it suddenly pops into your head out of nowhere.  That's because all the time, your subconscious was searching for an answer.  That's why I ask questions.  There's always an answer, even for things that seem out of our control.  There's almost always SOMETHING I can do to make the situation better.  I guess I'm a control freak.  I like to be able to do something about my problems.  That's why I hate situations that aren't my fault.  I hate it when I hear people say things like, "Your depression is not your fault, your weight problem is not your fault."  Don't tell me that!  That means I can't do anything about it!  And sometimes, that is the case.  But most of the time I CAN do something about it and so I do.  This attitude is one of the reasons why I believe in my chances at overcoming challenges.  I think Heavenly Father is probably mostly pleased with this attitude of self-improvement but also probably wants to show me that He is in control and I'm not, even though I obviously want to be. I am frustrated by things I can't change, but, when it comes down to it, I know that it's much better for Him to be in control. He has way more wisdom and perspective than I do!

Life is almost completely back to normal.  The only thing that has changed is all of the time I spend researching, which is probably why I haven't found time to blog.  And, of course, my hair is not at all back to normal!  I realize that I should be so grateful that I didn't have it all shaved off and that I'm not losing it to chemo and that I'm not dying and I AM grateful, but, if I'm totally honest, I have to admit that it still bugs me.  I totally hate having to wear hats and headbands all the time, but when I don't, I feel like people are going to think that I have the strangest punk haircut ever!  If everyone that saw me knew that I had surgery, it wouldn't bother me at all, but they don't.  Maybe I should make a t-shirt.  I know I shouldn't care about what people think, but honestly, we all do a little bit, right?  We want to portray ourselves a certain way and have people get who we are and what we represent.  Going without a head covering is so unattractive, but wearing one is so uncomfortable.  Do you see my dilemma?  I would be freaking out so much right now if I had NO hair.  That is one thing I do not deal with well at all.  (It's one of those things out of my control that I hate).  My kids just want me to go without hats.  I have started going to my workouts without anything and I've been to the mall once and the grocery store once without anything on my head.  I guess I'm just easing my way into it.  The biggest problem is going to the temple!  That seems so ridiculous because it seems like that's the best place to go to feel loved and accepted, but I cannot bear feeling like people might think I purposely cut my hair like this! And I can't wear a hat!  I like my wig, but I can't stand how uncomfortable it is.  Right now, I'm working on a hair piece that is a clip in bang/top wig.  It just covers the very top of my head.  If I can get it the right color and cut it the right way, it could work really well, but I just cannot wait until I have long hair again!

Wow, I just love how I can switch gears so easily between the deep and the petty!  That takes talent! :)  The only other thing that I haven't mentioned is that I had another speech slurring episode.  It was the Thursday before Valentine's day.  Joe and I went out to celebrate that night to avoid the crowds.  I was stumbling over my words again and Joe said it was really noticeable.  It had been getting so much better so I didn't understand why it was getting worse again.  Since then it has started to improve again.  So now I'm left wondering, was that another MS attack?  or did it have something to do with the steroid I had been taking since surgery.  The steroid made the brain lesion shrink a lot.  When I stopped taking it, did the lesion get bigger again causing pressure on the speech portion of my brain?  I don't know, just don't judge if I stutter or stumble when I'm talking to you. :)

Well, that's all, my lovelies!  I will write again when I've seen Dr. Foley or I've heard from Stanford, unless I think of something profound or petty to say before then.  Mwah!