Full to Bursting

I borrowed this title from my Aunty Pam's Facebook comment.  It so fully describes how I'm feeling right now.  I am literally bursting at the seams with love and gratitude to God and all of my supportive friends and family.  I slept well last night.  Even got to snuggle in bed with Joe for a little while.  Until I woke up at 4am with the strangest dream.  I couldn't shake myself out of it and kept thinking, "Great, I've got a brain injury and now I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.  My nurse had just come in and turned the lights on to check my vitals.  We neuro patients have to have our eyes checked.  So the nurse shined a flash light into my eyes to check my pupils. This felt extremely shocking in the middle of the night, a lot like what we see on TV during alien abductions.  Well, that started off a crazy dream about the nurses conspiring against the patients to enslave us in a scarf-making concentration camp.  They were doing social experiments on us to see if we would conform.  I kept thinking to myself, I am not a conformer! I've got to get out of this!  I hesitated, not wanting to ring my nurse and admit that I thought she was trying to kill me, so I woke Joe up instead... at 4 am, knowing he would help bring me back to reality.  In my mind, the socks on my calves that continuously squeeze my legs to prevent blood from clotting, became scarves being twisted around my legs. I remember asking Joe, "Do you feel something pulling on your legs?"  He groggily said, "No."  I forced him to wake up all the way so her could snap me out of it. That helped a lot.  He is always there for me, every second!  From adjusting my socks to showering me and washing my HAIR! to supporting my weight while I stand at the sink and brush my teeth, he ensures my comfort from moment to moment.  

What a blessing this has been for our marriage!

I would like to point out that it's no lie when they tell us at church that Heavenly Father really does have our best interest at heart.  That is so tangible and real to me right now.  He is giving me exactly what I need, at every moment.  

It's funny to me to be getting encouraging words from people like Sara Staker and Mercedi and Robbie Hale, who are the people who inspired this blog by blogging their own personal tragedies and miracles for me to read. I remember so clearly crying with them and pleading with God to bless them in their sorrows. I felt such a personal connection with them through their posts, and always knew if something similar ever happened to me and I needed others to care and pray for me, blogging was the way to go.

Another gospel truth that is sinking deep into my heart right now is that He "supports us in our trials and troubles."  I can just imagine being an outsider, reading my own blog, and thinking I would never be able to endure this.  It seems so scary and unmanageable.  But I've learned that we can get through anything with God by our side.  His help is for real!  Each and every one of you could endure exactly what I'm enduring if you just turn to Him. 

I have no doubt in my mind about that.  

I am going to stop laying low in life and stop being afraid of God's plan for me after this.  I know I can fully trust him to be there for me.  I feel so much closer to Him now.

So, after my schizo dream, I was totally alert and awake and all I could think about was wanting to go to church FOR THE ENTIRE DAY.  I can't think of a way to express my gratitude fully.  I was ready right then, at 4 am to start putting my makeup on and heading down to that glorious chapel on the main floor of the hospital.  But it didn't start until 10:30.  

I was able to fall back to sleep with Joe laying by my side.  I woke up rested and ready to prepare for my long awaited sacrament meeting.  I would have given anything to be able to show up in my own ward today.  I would have had so much fun making every one gasp with surprise!  I could have done it you know. Shocking people has always been something I enjoy.

How do I describe church today?  I can’t. It was one of the most emotional experiences of my life.

Joe and I got to the chapel early, and sat down together in a pew. Nobody else was in the room. After a few moments, a sweet old lady entered, greeted us and began playing the organ prelude music. I opened a hymn book and began reading the words of some of my favorite hymns. Something about the combination of the peaceful silence of the room and the soft organ music, being played just a few steps from where the operation had taken place filled my soul with overwhelming gratitude for my heavenly guardians who had been watching over me during my surgery. Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I began to sob. I could feel Joe next to me doing the same.

A man approached Joe and asked if he could help pass the sacrament to the congregation. (Sacrament is when members of the congregation eat bread and drink water as a symbol of accepting the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and a commitment to live for him.) 

Joe had been planning on going home to attend our local church service with our kids, but we found out last night that there was a chapel in the hospital, so he decided to stay and go to that with me instead. The only problem... he had no church clothes with him. 

So there we were... me sitting in my hospital gown, and him in his PJ bottoms, T-shirt and sneakers (trainers to you english folk). Not your typical church attire, but we knew the Lord didn’t care. We were there. 

I could tell Joe was embarrassed and tried to explain his predicament to the man, who smiled and led him over to the sacrament table.

The church service began. Why oh why? did they have to open by singing, "Because I have been given much?”  

The whole meeting was unbearable, trying to stay composed.  As the sacrament hymn started, I could see Joe sitting by the sacrament table with tears flowing down his face.  He stood as the blessing on the sacrament was about to begin. Usually this is a very reverent time when everyone is quiet, but all I could hear were sounds coming from Joe, who was now sobbing, shaking uncontrollably as he stood at the sacrament table.

Today was testimony meeting, I knew I had zero chance of getting any words out, but Joe was brave and got up to bear his testimony.  He gave a brief background of finding out about the brain tumor, going through surgery and starting recovery.  He explained that he wasn't emotional because of sadness but because of gratitude.  I can't believe how well he made it through.  Lots of kind people stopped to talk to us after.  We tried to tell them how grateful we were for the opportunity to attend church with them, but there's no way for them to possibly know how meaningful it was for us.

Hopefully, you saw that funny video Joe posted yesterday of me having a laughing attack.

We had another really funny experience yesterday.  My scalp seems to be loosening up a little enough for me to laugh easier.  My devoted sisters, Melanie and Maren had come to visit me in my new hospital room.  I'm out of the ICU now!  My IV pump alarm started going off and Maren got up and pushed a button to silence it.  Joe joked that she had just pushed the "inject poison" button.  The same alarm kept going off, so I finally rang the nurse to tell her.  I pushed the red button on my remote and someone else joked that I had just pushed the "self-destruct" button.  I said, "I just poisoned myself again."  At that very moment, the nurse came on and said, "What?"  Everyone in the room erupted into laughter and no one had enough composure to be able to explain what we really needed. We were laughing too hard to speak!  She must have thought we were pranking her. Melanie then went to the nurse's station to explain the whole situation and apologize. Always the diplomat.

They say laughter is the best medicine.

I ended the day with visits from my brothers and sisters in-law, who came bearing gifts - even though that night was supposed to be Kit's birthday celebration. They have been such an incredible support though all of this.

As far as how I'm doing right now, I can no longer sing.  Even my speaking is less animated.  I have a lot of trouble raising the pitch of my voice up and down.  Speaking is difficult.  I stumble a lot on my words.  The strength on the left side of my face is already improving.  I don't have any doubt that I will make a full recovery and regain all my brain functions 100%.

I am very much living in the moment right now and loving the healing, progress and success I am experiencing.  I haven't thought too much about the road ahead, though I know it will most likely be a long one.

I got to see my incision today.  That's one scary looking incision.  I would scare anyone without covering it up. Too bad Halloween's already over.  

I'm glad I came prepared with a good supply of scarves and hats, even though they contributed to my nightmares!

Thanks for following and sharing everyone!  And for your love and support!  Wow!  You are all blowing me away, and bringing me to tears every day!  Don't know how I'll ever repay you!  

You are teaching me what true friends are!