Hole in My Head

Has anyone else had the Dixie Chicks song, "Hole in My Head" stuck in their head for the past three days?

Maybe I'm the only one.

So it's not hard to think of things to write about at all.  It's surprising what an emotional roller coaster every day is.  The hard part is finding the time to write.  This is coming on so fast, there's so much to prepare when you find out you're not going to be functioning for a month.

Let me rewind to Tuesday when the shock of the head shaving news was still too raw for comfort.  There have been  a lot of things that I've needed to be attending to, but my number one focus was that I needed to be prepared for baldness.

On my 34th birthday, Mia and I started a tradition of going on a shopping trip together and eating lunch at Cheesecake Factory.  We went again on my birthday this year.  We have so much fun, it's crazy!  I can't believe how grown up she is!  It's so foreign to have a child that's old enough to joke around with me and participate in my all time favorite past time, blasting music and singing and dancing in the car.  For a long time Mia has been a little opposed to pink, princessy, girly things, so it came as a big shock on this year's shopping trip when she started commenting on how cute this or that was and even asked me to buy her a few things!  Not much, she's not greedy like that.  But she loves these dates so much that I knew the perfect thing to do with her before the surgery would be to have another one.

Before we went shopping, I had done some google research and come up with a whole new look that would ease the trauma of having no hair, so I was expecting to buy the necessary items for my makeover and have fun doing it.  That's not exactly how it transpired.

I wasn't prepared for the disappointment of trying on a cute hat or scarf and realizing that the cuteness level went significantly down when my hair was pulled completely back.  It started to get emotional.  Mia sensed my disappointment and came to the rescue.  It blows me away how advanced she is in the skill of being a good friend.  She kept reassuring me, "You look beautiful to me no matter what!"  I know she really means that.  I apologized to her when I couldn't hold back the tears and said, "I'm being such a bad example to you, acting like looks are so important."  She responded, "It's okay, Mom, I GET it!  You don't have to be positive all the time, it's okay if you want to feel sad right now.  TOMORROW you can be the bald head of happiness!"  I asked her, "How do you always know just the right thing to say to be supportive?"  And she said, "I just say the things that you say to me."  Having kids is like growing your own best friends.  It's so completely satisfying when they're ripe.  Mia is in full bloom.  We even got matching statement frames.

I haven't spoken much about Joseph and Elyse.  When Joseph is in the mood to serve, there is no one sweeter.  Joseph's favorite part of Christmas time is when we get out our manger.  We draw names and do service for each other and put a piece of straw in our manger for each act of service, making a comfortable bed for baby Jesus.  No one gets as excited about it as Joseph!  I wish you could see the sneaky look of love on his face every time he thinks he got away with serving undetected.  He looks as though he'll burst from fun and joy.

Joseph adores his sisters.  When he was a newborn, I was sitting in my rocking chair nursing him and Mia, two years old, was bouncing up and down in front of us.  I sat Joseph up for a minute and he just burst into a baby belly laugh.  He has looked up to her and shadowed her ever since.  Now that Mia is growing out of playing like a little kid, Joseph and Elyse have become inseparable.

Elyse loyally loves dragons every bit as much as Joseph does.  They climb trees, build lego creations, befriend stray dogs in the yard, rescue injured birds, and catch fuzzy caterpillars together.  We have to scold them at night because they sleep in the same bed and can't stop laughing.  I'm so grateful for the loving relationships my children have with each other. That is one of the biggest blessings in my life.

I won't document the fighting that goes on for the sake of time.

Elyse is our little sparkly girl.  Her smile shines so bright it could light up the sky.  There's the sun, the moon, the stars, and Elyse.  She has stood in the roll of "baby" for so long I hope I haven't given her some kind of psychological disorder.  She gets totally worn out by my constant need for cuddles and kisses from her.  I haven't been able to get pregnant ever since she was born, so every time I'm in the mood for a baby, the responsibility for filling that need falls entirely on her shoulders.

She's getting so big, but she still has the soft, round, delicious face of an angel.  I may still be pinching her buns when she's 25.  I'll refrain from posting a picture of her buns on this blog, but trust me, they are so cute!  The thing I love most about Elyse is how silly and funny she is.  She is the family entertainment for sure!  Anyone who's seen her lobster bisque video already knows that.  I never got around to posting the video I took of her mimicking the hair and makeup tutorials I sometimes watch on YouTube.  She started off with a list of the tools she would be using to create her look, "You'll need makeUP, style brush, and LIPGLOSS!  Then she goes on to demonstrate my new curling wand talking about how relaxing it is to have her hair curled with this curling iron.  "When mom wants to curl my hair, I just let her do it, it's so quick, I just love it, it's just so relaxing."  She is a laugh a minute, I can't get enough of her!

I just had a conversation with her about how I will be needing extra cuddles, kisses, and full access to her cheeks in the hospital.  I told her "Love is like medicine, it makes you feel good inside and that helps you get better."  She immediately brought me Chester, our adorable pet bunny, explaining that when she holds Chester she feels "all warm inside and good."  I've made her promise that she'll be my medicine while I'm in the hospital.  My nephew Sammy was my medicine the other day when he arrived at a family function and came straight up to give me a huge hug and said in his three year old voice, "I so sorry you sick."  Melt my heart!  He is a treasure!

So back to the events of the last couple of days. Yesterday, Wednesday, I had an appointment to pre-register at the hospital.  I had blood work and a consultation with a nurse to go over how the whole process is going to work and what to expect.  That was scary.  I had been distracted by worrying about my hair.  But when we sat down with her and she started talking about what kind of pain I might experience and that I might have a headache that lasts for two weeks, I started realizing what is really about to happen to me.  She was talking about the possibility of nausea and the certainty of severe fatigue possibly lasting a whole month!  Now I'm worried about what I should be worried about.

Based on what I learned yesterday, I'm pretty convinced that I will be totally useless for the month of January.

I cannot describe how much I do to keep my home and my family's lives running smoothly.  How in the world will everything be okay without my full time organization and supervision?  Yes, I know, the world would go on spinning without me.  But I am seriously concerned about the consequences of me being out of it for so long.  Of course January is the month when Joseph will have to start his science project and Mia has a seventh grade master project that I hear is reminiscent of a college level paper. It is being made very clear that everyone is willing to step in and help with whatever I need.  But if you're a mom, you understand that it's your brain that runs everything.  I can't necessarily sit down right now and think of everything that will need to be done, it's a moment to moment thing recognizing, Okay, that toilet looks really bad, and it's now time for the recycling to be taken out, or I just remembered that show and tell is this Friday.  I don't know how to delegate those types of things out in advance.  I'm sure everyone will be very forgiving and understanding when my kids show up at school with uniform infractions or if visitors show up and my house is strewn with clothing and legos (which, even now, is not out of the ordinary).  I just hope no major problems arise and go unnoticed without my watchful OCD eyes.

Okay, so everyone that wants to help, PLEASE remind my husband to clean out the bunny cage!

On the drive home from the scary hospital appointment I started getting emotional again. Joe immediately announced, "Right!  We're going to the puppy barn!"  The puppy barn is a pet shop in American Fork that allows you to hold all the puppies, for as long as you want.  We went in there and held the tiniest, cutest puppies ever!  What is it with puppies?! They are magical.

This little cutie helped me calm down a little until our next errand... which was the wig shop!


Every wig I tried on made me look like a muppet!  I felt like Janice, the blonde band member Muppet that says, "Fer sure!"  I started to explain that I had to shave my head the following day to the lovely woman helping me try on wigs and just fell apart.  She must have to deal with that all the time!  Poor woman!  I hate how I keep crying and making people feel awkward!  I usually have really good control over my emotions!  Is  there a DoTerra oil for that?  I'm just kidding, DoTerra people.  Don't send emails in response to that question.  I do love DoTerra, I fully plan on utilizing my oils throughout this journey.

On a happier note, a wig I ordered online arrived in the mail.  The style looks a lot like my hair which will help me get feeling back to normal.  One of my moments of falling apart was picturing myself getting all dressed up for date night with Joe and having to wear a head wrap.  One of my favorite weekly moments, is feeling all dolled up and beautiful when I go out with my husband and getting a reaction from him when he tells me, "You look amazing."  Wow, I'm really painting myself as a vain person.  I really do try to oppose the worldly messages of a woman's worth but unfortunately I am susceptible to it, as much as I try not to be.  Thinking of him having to pretend that I look nice doesn't give me a good feeling.  This wig will improve this scenario by a lot!  It definitely needs to be colored though.  My amazing stylist, Summer McKay is going to color it to match my hair for me.

I know I said that I was going to try a new look, but I haven't found anything just right for that.  I have very specific images in my mind of what I would want a wig to look like and I haven't found anything that fits my description.  For one thing, most wigs aren't very long and I am a big fan of long, mermaid style hair.  One of the most hopeful thoughts I've had relating to this whole stupid hair thing is when my brilliant husband came up with a solution for me that will be so perfect!  I am going to put an elastic headband on my head and clip my Luxy extensions to the headband so that I can have hair coming out of my hats and scarves and have the feeling of hair going down my back.  You have no idea what good news this is!  There are some hairpieces that are similar to this that cost $800!  I plan to make a tutorial of this technique for other people in my situation.  I will be able to use clip on bangs as well!  I know you're all jumping for joy ;)  Okay, I'm silly, I admit it.  Survival should be the focus.  And it is feeling more that way now that I'm feeling a little bit better about being bald.

Speaking of being bald.  I was so excited about making a video of shaving my head.  Joe is an extremely talented film maker and has made several videos for our family.  I get an abnormal amount of gratification from watching these videos.  I had big plans for the head shaving video but then found out that the hospital wants to do it because if I nick myself shaving, they might have to cancel surgery due to the risk of infection.  I was going to rock some pretty awesome hairstyles on the way to my shaved head and put it to some pretty awesome music.  I also had plans to do a henna tattoo on my bald head.  But there is apparently a possibility that they might let me keep my bangs, so we're just going to wait to see what they have to shave off.  Having a little hair would look good with hats, but without a head cover I would just look like Schmiegel.  Not a look I've ever aspired to.

Wednesday evening was New Year's Eve.  We went over to my sister-in-law's house and had a blast.  We got to have a really good talk with Julie and Todd Matern, my brother-in-law Paul's sister and her husband.  Todd had an experience with a brain tumor and he shared his whole story with us.  It was so lovely to talk with him and I got such a good feel for what to expect.  He was definitely another blessing placed in my path. Thanks Todd!

Well, this will probably be my last post before surgery.  The things I've been told don't give me the impression I'll be blogging a lot after this.  Don't know I'll be able to stay awake.  I've asked Joe to post a few updates.  I'll tell you the things I'm hoping for so you can include them in your prayers.

I'm hoping that I won't have to spend a long time relearning things like speaking and physically caring for myself.  Pray that I'll be able to use the potty!  I'm hoping that my kids won't be terrified by the sight of me all groggy and bandaged and will be comforted.  I'm hoping everyone will understand that I won't be there to make sure my kids don't wear the same outfits over and over everywhere they go.  Pray that I'll be protected from having any long term damage to my normal function.  Pray that my family members won't have heart attacks.  Pray that I won't wake up during surgery unable to move or speak and feel the pain of my skull being removed.  Pray that Joe won't post too many hideous pictures of me.  Pray that I'll live and that I will be physically, mentally, and emotionally able to raise my children.  I would keep my head shaved for eternity if it meant I could guarantee that happening.

Mia, Joseph, Elyse, and Joe, you are the most precious gifts in my life, not necessarily in that order. :)  I love you so completely and adore the people you are and are becoming.  How could I get through this life without the joy and laughter you bring into it?  We are all in God's hands.  Trust Him.  We will most assuredly all be okay.  Remember that He loves you as much as I do.  We don't ever need to doubt that kind of love.  Have faith and hope through this time.  I promise that I will be back to taking care of you the second I have the ability to do so.  Don't forget we have friends on the other side watching out for us!  Grandma Simons will definitely be here for all of us through this time.  I love you, I love you, I love you!

Lastly, I want to just share this picture below that my sister-in-law Jordan's friend sent me.  I absolutely love it!  I'm going to picture this as I'm going under anesthesia along with my kids faces.  Thanks again to everyone extending love and kindness to our family!  I apologize in advance to the people whose lives are going to get super hectic as they try to fill in for all of my responsibilities.  I could get used to all this help!  I'm picturing myself a couple of months from now all healed, sitting around, wondering who is going to bring me my dinner.



p.s. Here's one last tribute to the good times I've had with my hair.  Let's have a moment of silence for this loss.  After this, I swear I'll shut up about it.  Other than telling you about the actual shaving experience!

Love you, everyone!