Guardian Angel

I know that all along the way, I have been mentioning the gentle and patient way in which Joe, my guardian angel,  has cared for me, but I felt like I wanted to dedicate a whole post to it since it has meant so much to me and provided me with more comfort than anything else.  It's just so amazing, some of the things he does for me now and has to help me with, I would have thought would be awful!  Like helping me walk safely to the toilet.  I was dreading needing any help with that kind of stuff, but we have grown so much closer together now that he is overseeing my every need.  He wants to make sure that I'm always safe and comfortable.  That is his new number one concern.

I told him this morning that I felt like he was having a chance to have a similar experience to becoming a mother.  The overwhelming feeling of love and responsibility we mothers feel.  I think sometimes Dads miss out a little on this part of parenthood because whatever they don't do, their wives will step up and make sure it gets taken care of.  There's just something about having someone be so totally dependent on you, that brings out feelings of love and unselfishness for that person.  Joe and I always joke about my first week of motherhood.  After Mia was born, I literally did not sleep for 4 solid days!  But, when asked at church about how the new baby was sleeping, Joe replied, "She sleeps great!"  I just looked at him in total shock that he could be so oblivious to the countless hours I had spent awake and nursing a crying infant.  I can feel that Joe is feeling some of that weight, importance, and duty in his responsibility to care for me.  That is a good thing for everyone, I think.  A chance to experience love in a deeper way.  Sacrifice breeds love.  That is why no one can love us quite as much as Jesus Christ.  Because He made the ultimate sacrifice.  The love between mothers and their children comes from the depth of the sacrifices they are asked to make for them.  It all starts off with sacrificing our very health and bodies to bring them into the world.  Then it turns into an incredible demand on our time and a sacrifice of sleep, time, and selfishness.  The more we give up, the more we gain.

Don't think that I'm not a believer in mothers having time for themselves because I absolutely am.  It's just a matter of priorities being in order and having your heart in the right place.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that Joe is a great mother!

Happily, my own mother is also being a great substitute mom for my children.  She can do that because Joe is being here for me.  If he wasn't, my mom would step in in a heartbeat and make sure everything was being taken care of for me and she would be less able to see to the needs of our children.  There is no one that is a more beautiful example of unselfish service and sacrifice than my mother.  Many of you must have similar feelings about the sacrifices your mothers have made for you!  I don't understand the direction the world is going in an attack on motherhood.  Why do women feel they have to be like men to be considered valuable?  I'm pretty darn proud of the way we women naturally nurture and love and I have no desire to change that beautiful tradition.

I don't want to diminish the work that fathers do because how could I have had the kind of relationship I have had with my children without a father to financially support my hobby of toddler worshipping?  I have always been so blessed to be married to a man who values the work I do as a mother and supports me in my desire to make this my number one priority in life.

But, enough about mothers, Joe has the nail varnish!  When I first met Joe at BYU, he and his roommate were hanging out at our apartment and we were all having a conversation around the kitchen table.  Everyone was talking over each other, until Joe grabbed a bottle of nail polish sitting on the center of the table and declared in his adorable English accent, "I have the nail varnish!'  Like, as if, that was the official symbol of having everyone's attention.  That joke has never died and I can still be heard declaring from time to time, "I have the nail varnish!'


The first thing that impressed me about Joe, besides his accent, of course, was his sense of humor.

I love to joke around and laugh a lot and I have always been able to do that with him.  We have a good supply of inside jokes and that is a source of connection and fun between us.

The second thing that impressed me was his dedication to living the gospel.   Joe is not necessarily a rule follower in life, but he is when it comes to the gospel.  I love and admire his high moral standards.  I have always been somewhat of a rule follower.  I like to be obedient.  I have never liked to risk getting in trouble.  I enjoy being a good student.  During this experience, I have relied on Joe more than I actually needed to because I ask him for everything when I could really be relying more on my nurses.  But I have enjoyed being told I am an easy patient.  It is not in my nature to be a nuisance to others.  That comes from my mom, she always makes sure she's not being a burden on anyone else.  That is deeply engrained in me. So, if Joe can always be the one to fetch me my chapstick and my phone charger and find my tooth brush, then I don't have to feel awkward burdening a nurse I don't know very well, and I get to retain my desired title of "easy patient."

I am grateful to him for allowing me to have the help I need in a way that is the most comfortable to me.  If all of you sweet people offering to help me all the time were the ones helping me to the toilet I can guarantee this trial would feel a lot more upsetting to me than it does now.  Sometimes, in trying to help people, we forget to help them in the way that is most helpful and comfortable to them.  I am not at all inferring that anyone has done this to me!  I have had nothing but the kindest, most unselfish treatment from every single person I have encountered from day one of this crazy situation.  I feel as though I have a thousand new friends!

Let me just quickly address my new friends, I have had several messages where people have apologized for reading my blog because we don't know each other well.  I want to make it clear that sharing my feelings and beliefs has been a focus of this blog from the start, and I do not feel the slightest bit violated having strangers reading it.  The very best messages I have received have been about people that have decided to pray for me and in so doing, are rekindling their relationship with God.  I can't think of any more important work than reconnecting God with his beloved children.

This experience, more than any other I've had, has helped me to feel God's love for me and how much He really, truly is there for all of us.  My greatest desire is for that message to reach all the world.

A special thank you to Joe, my guardian angel, stepping in to serve me the way the Savior would if He were here.  Your presence improves each moment of the day by filling it with fun, familiarity, and a deeper level of companionship than we have previously enjoyed.

I look forward to a long, loving relationship with you that our children will look to in the pitiful first years of their marriages and long to mirror.  You'll get there, kids.  But love takes time and sacrifice and life experiences.

Let's all embrace our life experiences instead of trying to run from them.  They are there for a reason!  All my love to everyone!

I can't finish without mentioning my sister-in -law, Meg who came in today and painted my nails for me and scraped sticky surgical preparation goo from my remaining hair and walked me around the hospital halls.  She served me in such a gentle, Christlike way, I had to mention her as well.  My in-laws have been so amazing I can't bear to call them "in-laws" anymore!  I'm promoting them to blood from now on.  Maybe I can differentiate by saying my tan sisters and my white sisters :)  What do you think Mel and Maren, does that suit you?  They are all beautiful!  I know there are so many of you desiring to share your love with our family in this way, too, and trust me, we are feeling it!