Level Headed

So, today I feel like I'm coming down out of the clouds a little more and ready to face what is most likely to come of the "new" diagnosis.

First of all, I'd like to point out that my brilliant neurosurgeon, who was the one actually looking into my brain, with all of his experience, suggested that he thought the tumor was most likely either an ologodendroglioma or an astrocytoma.  It's my understanding that both of those are cancerous brain tumors.  That was before we had any pathology reports back at all.  Then, when we asked if the pathologists were going to send out my sample for more opinions, they said that they weren't because they were really comfortable with the diagnosis.  I think it's fair to say that it's unlikely we will get a totally different diagnosis this time around.  Even though I know stranger things have happened and I have heard awful stories about medical mistakes that have wreaked serious havoc in people's lives.  I'm just trying to protect myself from a huge disappointment by thinking that they're going to tell me I don't really have cancer after all.

Also, during the surgery there was a pathologist standing by testing the samples to make sure they were tumor samples and not brain tissue.  So, doesn't that mean that it IS a tumor?  I don't know enough about this subject to answer these questions, but when I look at the big picture, I just think that I want to keep believing that the first diagnosis is the right one until we have more information.

Not only do I believe that a miracle could happen in my life, I fully EXPECT to see miracles happening in my life.  When they put a question mark over my diagnosis, my first thought was, Is this the miracle I've been watching for?  It still could be, I know that.  But, knowing that having cancer could also turn out to be a life-changing miracle in my life, I just want to be prepared to accept what they tell me and that the prognosis might not improve so I don't have to start all over again on the emotional roller coaster.

I don't like feeling like I'm going to cry every second of the day.  I like to feel like I'm in control of my emotions.  I just want to know what it is so I can deal with it and move on.  I'm hearing a little Backstreet Boys in the background, "Quit playing games with my heart!"  I feel ready to handle whatever it is, but not knowing, is such a pain in the butt!

I'm starting to wonder if we will ever really know for sure!  The more research I do about the subject, the more I find that there are a lot of different things that cause a mass in the brain.  There are stories everywhere about misdiagnosis.  How much do they really know?  We sometimes expect doctors to have everything pinned down so much and know exactly what they are dealing with, but I don't think it's as simple as we think it is.  We are expecting them to do their scientific testing and be able to tell us precisely what is going on, but maybe it's not that straightforward.  Maybe they just have to make the best guess based on all the information?  I guess I need to ask them that.  How sure are you?  Is this an exact science or more of an educated guess? 

I just wanted to get these thoughts out there because I feel like we have caused a big stir by implying that I might not have a scary diagnosis after all.  So I'm just saying let's be cautious and not get too excited just yet.

I'm in the Lord's hands either way and that's a safe enough place for me to be.

 "23 Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God? Know ye not that he hath all power, and at his great command the earth shall be rolled together as a scroll?" Mormon 5:23 (The Book of Mormon)